I am about to begin a new and interesting point in my life. For the first time in more than a decade I am moving forward and choosing a partner. It’s funny, because it’s kink it feels like I’m loosing a new kind of virginity and for the first time I am reevaluating my decision. I have never questioned my first choice, but now I am not even considering making a similar one and it’s making me wonder. I know that now I need to know and trust my partner. I need them to have similar tastes to me, share my kink and the truth is, I have to feel safe with this man. He’s going to do some wonderfully twisted things with me, many of them without me being able to tell him in the moment it’s what I want. So I need him to know, I need him to be on the same page as me.
The first time, it was pretty basic, some getting to know you that completely excluded any discussion of sex, some major flirting, a few kisses over a few days and then in the moment some heavy petting, some oral and then sex. This time it has to be more. I need him to know that if I’m on top chasing it but can’t let go that if he spanks my ass or wraps his fingers around my neck it’ll send me over the edge with fireworks. That I love to talk dirty and hear him reciprocate, but if he degrades me I’m completely out of the moment wondering why he thinks such terrible things about me.
These are pretty small things but they are part of the larger picture. If I’m going to give control of my body over to someone, I need to know they have my best interest at heart. But in the same breath, I’m walking out of a 12 year relationship and have zero desire to walk into another. This is an incredibly fine line to walk.
It’s made me think about my first time and why I made the decision I did then and how it will affect the one I’m making now. It’s making me remember that I need to trust myself, my instincts and that nobody knows me and my needs as well as I do. Remembering that summer helps me remember that I’ve got this, it gives me confidence that I’ll make the best decision for myself regardless if it’s one that is popular or commonly held as normal. I didn’t loose my first virginity conventionally, why would I think the kinky one would be any different?